War changes us forever. I never understood why people say that war is addictive. Just you come back here for another. But I see that nothing has changed. You see the same illegal buildings, which now hide behind patriotism. You see that you just require bribes. And people who die for, not to have them, it's hard to withstand. That is why you can understand the depression of those who passed the fights, saw death and came back here. Here is another world. There is terrible, but there all really. And it does not let go.

My name is Marina, but I know more as a Spark. This is my Callsign. Honestly, when I was back here, and I was asked what your name was, there was a pause, because I really forgot his name.

I studied at the University Shevchenko philologist. Took academicus, even the session was not closed and in June went to the front. Parents, of course, reacted to this with hysteria, with scandals. Mother learned after the fact. I live in the Dorm, I am not from Kiev, a native of Poltava. One of the reasons why I went to the front, because I don't live somewhere in Lviv, Ternopil, and so forth. Poltava is a city Pro-Ukrainian, but it is close enough to the war zone. Near Kharkov, where the situation is very precarious. Therefore, it is possible to get the shells on the street, but I really don't want to.
I have a very long burst of fighting, the battalion of my dreams was "Azov", but it so happened that he was in "Shakhtersk", after its dissolution he joined the Department of internal Affairs "Holy Mary". Performed the functions of nurses.
In General, women are faced with many problems, and first of all - this is not the perception of women in the war. But we can be stronger, more skilful from her husband. And still, that the man is automatically a woman should gnaw own teeth. To constantly prove that it can, and often to no avail. Holy Mary, I went for the attitude. Now I am looking for the battalion according to the principle that the staff I'm not going to sit and chill in the rear to treat too. Expect that this will be a battalion of the OUN.
I went to war because they can't otherwise. If I didn't, then perhaps the rest of your life courted myself for it. There for each - the same conditions and in the pants don't look, but for some reason society has such a stereotype that if the guy is naked on Vovochka from the piece, then it's the usual "combat trauma" - heal and all will pass. If this happened to a woman is a resonance, it is a tragedy. I sometimes fight hate your gender. The woman constantly trying to protect, but I don't need protection.
Very important for me against fighters, when you guy chauvinist who believes a woman is only a tool for procreation, said: "spark, damn them all to hell, thou art the man". It already means something.
The most stringent of our fight was the third exit for the transfer. We were ambushed, under sniper fire on the railroad. Got a lot of wounded and dead. At first we just thought it was "friendly fire", there is a notion of when dropping them randomly on its own. So I had 2 times to say the code name: Shakhtersk, to be clear, it's not the enemy. We shouted: "Shakhtyorsk, Shakhtyorsk", and the separatists with his hand, said: "PI# Yes you, ukrepi and opened on us with aimed fire. Some guys have already thought about everything, but we still got out of there. For me, the nurses, and the Dock, our assistant, as for physicians, it was a very tense moment. Horrible feeling, when you look at the wounded and understand that this person will not survive. And see how he chokes, see his lips turn blue, and he was still alive, he feels the pain is very hard. This is the most terrible thing that was at war: understanding that people die, and there's nothing you can do.
It is a pity that it die young guys. Look at DND is all men over 35, with traces of drinking alcohol on the face. But most of our - or students, or people who have a successful business. There is the image of the soldier is such patiosani man who speaks about women, about beer and football. But our guys are quoting Kant, talk about Schopenhauer and argue with the tenets of Nietzsche. It's kind of surreal, because all the best in the war. There was a moment when two of our fighters before cars, just under sniper bullet. I was also broke, but wouldn't let me. One of them had a twin brother who stayed with us. When he started to call the second, and he never replied, it was unbearable to see the despair in the eyes of the second brother. I continued to shout louder: "twin, are you here?", finally he answered, I asked a whole, said that the whole. His brother just rushed to hug me. I almost broke into tears. These are real feelings, which, apparently, some people for life is not worried.
During a mortar attack one guy with the "Azov", Homa, laid a hand grenade. We came with a Dock, so they called the doctor, but it was too late: he came home and said that he will not help. You realize that this man could not be saved, but still kind of guilt is that we did not have time. Because I was not near, then maybe even stopped him. It would be several triksta, but of the living. This guy, of course, is a hero.
When in Ilovaisk we were almost surrounded on three sides, our combat gave the order to retreat, although they say that there was no such order. And then we made complaints: "why do you come out? You have to be there". It seems to me that it was artificially created, it is given the opportunity to create the boiler and did not allow anyone to climb. We were lucky - we pulled, because for us the circle.

I honestly never thought about that, shoot me or not. Others wondered why I didn't have any doom and so on. Just before that I had a history of standing on the Maidan. And, perhaps, my biggest fear that I have experienced, this has not happened in the war. This was the 20th or 21st of February at the Institute. I felt dumb with horror, because he came under cross-sniper fire. This is something you never before in my life experienced. You see people around you are falling, you see a large puddle of blood with a human head. Then I was part of medgroup. Remember, we went to the hotel "Ukraine" and from what I have seen there we just gave a brain. Thought that from there it will not work. Communication was not.
I can muster up in my phone that I didn't want to die and I love them all, and put it on the Desk. It seemed to me then that this was the end.
Here was the only occasion when it was real scared for myself. And so I am more worried about the other; the worst thing someone of having done something wrong. It's more important than himself. In General, the main thing - to do their job and to live this life not in vain.
War changes us forever. I never understood why people say that war is addictive. Just you come back here for another. But I see that nothing has changed. You see the same illegal buildings, which now hide behind patriotism. You see that you just require bribes. And for people who die for, not to have them, it's hard to withstand. That is why you can understand the depression of those who passed the fights, saw death and came back here. Here is another world. There is terrible, but there all really. And it does not let go.
A very big problem for the volunteer battalions to make normal weapons. We go with machine guns on tanks. We do not have enough heavy artillery, they don't give us armored vehicles. It is from the military, but they have other problems: they can throw on some distant closed the checkpoint and forget. They would just have some water, some C's and all. I was shocked when I came on medical courses in Mariupol airport. There was dislocated, it seems that the national guard under. We ate in their dining room, it was cold. In frost men gave such soldering: plastic plate filled ¼ of the soup. Spoon the porridge as in school stolowitz, and stew a bit over the top. For me, women, it will suffice, but for men this is definitely not enough. Especially for this, which in minus 5 engaged in hard physical labor. Here you have fully backed the army. And the form that was issued to our Armed forces? Yes, it is similar in color to the "Multi", but it only externally. And in General, it is very cold, and yet it is synthetic, so it will melt. If in this form to get under the castle, and get even light burns, it still will cling and will be taken with the skin, not to mention toxins. I don't understand how it is possible in war to save?
I've changed my attitude to life, this is the most valuable thing a man can have. Before children I did not like. But now I even want me to have children, I want simple human intimate pleasures.
Now there is a clear understanding of what we need to do something in their own country. Although, I'm still at school was involved in social and public Affairs, worked on a large project and had to finish it. This restoration of the Cadet corps in Poltava, built in 1840. He now is in decline, and there you can make gorgeous art center. I want my project to finish. I'd like to do a lot to Poltava. Because I am a patriot of the city. And I see that his ruin. I have thought that if some of those who sit here, in Kiev, began to break open the shells, they would very much understood. I'm not talking about those who help the army. It's a private matter, to invest in the maintenance of the army, or not, but for most people, nothing has changed. They just nacelle on tape, said "we are patriots, has learned to scream very famous song about Putin and "Glory to Ukraine", which sound of drunken voices on the discos and all. But "Glory to Ukraine" is a sacred slogan, which I saw dead people. But now it has become a popular piece, which does not carry any ideological connotation; but patriotism is, for example, anti-bribery, it is an opportunity to be a worthy son of his country.
If I did not go to war, I would have the rest of my life thought that someone, let three or four guys could have been killed. When you feel needed and know that you do not live in vain - it is an indescribable thrill. We must live for the sake of some business, because to live without a purpose is to exist.

So my dream is to live so that was not ashamed that his last minute I thought, dammit, I did everything right.

Text and photo: Anastasia Yasinskaya, Censor.NET

Source: http://censor.net.ua/